Wednesday, October 01, 2014

In the moment

So I promised myself to write more. The standards have fallen so low that even writing a shopping list these days gets counted towards my promise. I feel I know what being sucked into a black hole is like. Out of "work", a SAHM I seem to have no time at all! How do these women do it all? I have no shame admitting that I no longer have daily baths. Remember the low standards? Then there is my mind which pulls me in several different directions all at once. It wants me to bake a mango cake, try roasted chickpeas from a cookbook, write a story about a dream I had, write some more, do intense yoga, cut, paste, draw, color, play, and so much more. The spying on FB makes it all worse. I end up wondering where my life is going. My FB friends have these perfect pictures. Which make me notice my hair - rough, dry and ever frizzy. Fortunately, these snatches of self doubt and deep introspections last just a few moments - when I am trying to catch breath keeping up with the little typhoon in the house. I alternate between the "God, I have no time to even brush my hair" to "why am I wasting time doing nothing." Then there is vacillation between, "I am lucky to be with S" and "but I am not a productive earning member of society." Hah! The heart knows no peace.

When I turned the calendar page to October, it hit me that this is the last quarter. The countdown already begins for a new year. I am so not ready. I wonder what resolutions I had when I began this year - fresh, hopeful. I remember vaguely.

"Be in the moment" - what an irony. "Driving license" - The license is thankfully done. The driving is still tentative and still around the familiar parts of our small town. "Learn to swim" - Done! Albeit just enough to save myself in a pool. But do you that I taught myself how to swim using YouTube videos? Oh yes - just like Sheldon Cooper but I did practice in a real swimming pool. Now allow me to gloat just a little bit. With this resolution I overcame my fear of water and unknowingly my inhibitions. The first was difficult but still much easier than the second. I didn't show but I was infact extremely worried about others' comments and looks. "A grown up woman can't swim?" "She is so awkward!" Quite silly in hindsight. Who gives a damn if I can swim or not? Right? But there I was sweating over it. It was a major lesson for me. It was facing my major personality flaw. Brutal. Very slowly I was able to rise above it, at least in the swimming pool. Focusing only on my breathing, kicking. And it was liberating. This doesn't mean I have gotten over my inhibitions and no longer worry about what people think/say - but yeah I try extra hard to do a thing when I am in reality quite hesitant about it. I got into the swimming pool every day for a month and half and kept going even when on some days all I managed to do was stand in there. Gloating over, huh.

I realize my first resolution is an eternal work in progress. This mind I tell you. Just when it is in the middle of a big joyous moment, it either races ahead to see if a dark cloud hover nearby or begins anticipating its next happy kick. To this creature no happiness is absolute, complete or perfect. It's an exercise to rein it in. Thankfully S is a pro in this game. I am fortunate to see her at work, I am willing to learn. May be she would teach? One moment at a time.